How Ambitious Women Reclaim Their Time, Energy, and Desire
My hands were clenched in my lap as I stared at the paper. The numbers confirmed what my body had been whispering for weeks: my cortisol levels were too high.
The doctor looked at me gently and asked, “Have you tried meditating?”
I sighed.
Yes, I’m familiar with meditation. I even teach it. I practice it often. Though, admittedly, not as consistently as I used to. Or would like to.
I tried to explain my current reality—the jigsaw puzzle of responsibilities I was constantly rearranging: running a business, raising a toddler, maintaining a marriage, nurturing friendships, prioritizing my health. I wasn’t floundering, but I was full. Maxed out, really. Like many women, I felt stretched in every direction. There wasn’t enough of me to go around, and while I believe in waking early to make the most of each day, I also know without enough sleep, I am practically useless.
What I didn’t realize yet was that my body wasn’t just overwhelmed, it was out of alignment. I’d lost the rituals that used to keep me grounded in what mattered. I felt like I was carrying as much as one person reasonably could, and had been looking for other solutions.
When I mentioned one of those solutions was looking into additional childcare support, she raised an eyebrow. “Can’t you just shift your work schedule so someone else isn’t raising your son?”
I blinked.
I said nothing about wanting someone else to “raise” my son. And while I absolutely want to be a deeply present mother, I also believe that children flourish within a network of care. As evolutionary anthropologist Sarah Blaffer Hrdy once said, “A mother is essential, but she is not enough.” Her research shows that children thrive in environments with alloparenting—care provided by multiple adults beyond the mother.
This shared caregiving model not only reduces maternal stress and burnout, but also fosters higher social intelligence and empathy in children, as they learn to navigate relationships with a variety of trusted caregivers.
Developmental psychologists have also found that children are capable of forming multiple secure attachments—not just with their mother, but with other consistent and loving caregivers.
These multiple attachments contribute to greater emotional resilience and social adaptability, while also supporting the mother's well-being by relieving the impossible task of meeting every emotional need alone.
We talk about how “it takes a village” until we have to pay for it. Then, suddenly, you’re judged as an inadequate mother despite the data that says otherwise.
Also, I don’t just work for fun. My income matters. It supports our family. It covers our fundamental essentials. Housing, groceries, and overall security to name a few.
Still, she looked at me with what I can only describe as pity. Then came the comment that really hit a nerve: “You just want it all, don’t you?”
If by “all,” you mean...
A thriving business that provides for my family,
A strong, healthy body and regulated nervous system,
Meaningful relationships and a supportive community—
Then yes. I unapologetically do.
When did our most fundamental needs start getting lumped into the category of wanting too much? And why is “wanting it all” only weaponized against women?
I know for a fact my husband wants these things too, yet no one has ever posed that question to him. No one accuses him of being unreasonable for wanting to build a business and a family. Or thinks he’s greedy for wanting to experience both purpose and presence in his life.
What is it about women and desire that makes people so uncomfortable? As though our aspirations should be limited to the elusive line of “just enough.” Do we not deserve lives that reflect our wholeness? Is it not admirable for women to sink their teeth into things that satisfy the appetite of their souls?
This is not a new issue. In patriarchal societies, desire is equated with agency—and when women claim desire (for autonomy, pleasure, ambition, impact), they also claim power.
Psychologist and feminist scholar Dr. Polly Young-Eisendrath writes:
“We are taught to want to be wanted, not to want. A woman who desires disrupts the order of things. She’s no longer manageable.”
The desiring woman who seeks knowledge, autonomy, and pleasure is often cast as the villain or cautionary figure. We see that clearly in the stories of Eve, Pandora, and Lilith.
Society, especially in Western traditions, has long feared the woman who wants for herself. She threatens the ideal of the ever-giving, ever-sacrificing mother and wife.
Carol Gilligan’s research in moral development shows that girls often suppress their own needs and truth in order to preserve relationships—a pattern that follows them into adulthood.
Desire is core to identity. It tells us what we want, who we are becoming. But when women are taught to suppress their desires, they often become:
Disconnected from themselves
Prone to anxiety, depression, and resentment
Vulnerable to relationships and systems that capitalize on their self-sacrifice
Psychologist Esther Perel speaks to this in the realm of relationships and sexuality:
“Desire is owning the fact that I have a self. That I am not just for others, but for myself. And that is threatening to those who want us only in service.”
We say we want empowered women, but we still mistrust the ones who dare to want for themselves. Women’s desire, especially when it extends beyond caregiving or sacrifice, is often met with judgment, fear, or attempts to control it. Oftentimes (in my own experience at least) coming from other women.
But desire is not dangerous, it is a compass for wholeness.
Desire, I’ve come to believe, is a healthy part of being fully alive. It's what makes us human. It's what reminds us we have a self—a soul—that wants to experience life expansively, and intentionally.
I left that appointment feeling more agitated than supported. Not because I didn’t want feedback. But because I needed better questions that supported my desire. Not “Why do you want so much?” but rather:
Where could you use more help?
What can you release, just for now?
How can you create a life that allows you to thrive and stay true to your values?
As a coach, I knew those were the questions I needed to ask myself. And when I did, the answer came clearly: I didn’t need to overhaul the major things in my life, I needed to zoom in and examine the small ones.
It wasn’t about what I was doing, but how I was doing it.
Yes, I need to work. But was every task I was spending time on actually moving the needle in my business?
Yes, I need to care for my body. But was I overcomplicating it, believing I needed a full hour of exercise daily when 30 focused minutes could suffice?
Yes, my days are full. But must I rush through them like the Tasmanian devil on a deadline?
No. I could soften. I could breathe. I could move from one thing to the next at a gentler pace.
I’ll be the first to admit, I do want a lot.
Not because I’m unrealistic or greedy, but because I deeply value the life I’ve been given. Because caring for what matters isn’t a luxury.
Because my desire is essential.
The key wasn’t giving up what I wanted. It was becoming more intentional about how I spent my time, energy, and attention.
And that started with something I’d been desiring for some time. Something that felt almost counterintuitive: Slowing down.
In a world that rewards urgency and overextension, choosing to move slowly, with care and intention, is an act of resistance. When the world tells you to move faster, slowing down feels radical. But that’s what I chose to do. Not by abandoning ambition, but by aligning it with my core desires.
We don’t burn out because we want too much. We burn out when we ignore our desires. We burn out when we move through life without asking ourselves why we’re doing what we’re doing.
We rush. We over-commit. We give away our attention and energy to things that don’t truly matter, but were told would make us "good." And then we wonder why we feel so empty.
I knew if I wanted to reconnect with and honor my desires, I would have to implement something consistently. I had to do something on a daily basis to rewire my good girl conditioning. So I started with something that had already created powerful change in my life: a simple ritual.
Rituals are the pause button. A way to reclaim your attention and come home to yourself. They help you respond to life rather than react to it.
Rituals are how we reclaim our lives from a culture that constantly tells us we’re not good enough.
They’re the antidote to the constant chase for things that are empty, the mindless scrolling, the numbing patterns that leave us feeling disconnected from our own lives.
Some rituals are solitary, others communal—a shared pot of tea, a Friday night walk with a friend. They remind us we’re not meant to do life alone.
If you’ve been craving a reconnection to your desires and a life that feels fulfilling and meaningful. Rituals are the way to actually create that.
Most of us don’t need to add more tasks to our plate, which is why this goes beyond adding in a new routine. Rituals invite you to move through your day with awareness. To pause long enough to ask:
How am I feeling right now?
Where is my energy going?
What do I truly want?
How do I want to show up?
You’ll probably realize you don’t need a life overhaul. You need practices that anchor you to your core values and desires.
When I created my own rituals, I knew they had to do five things for me:
Be simple and enjoyable enough that I’d actually stick to them
Rewire my subconscious to support my True self
Keep me connected to my values and intuition
Reignite belief in my vision
And help me move through life with grace, not urgency
What surprised me most is how quickly things began to shift.
I began to feel a sense of calm I hadn’t known in years. I got clearer on a simple business strategy. I focused on what mattered and let go of the rest.
My energy surged. I got more done with less effort. I moved my body in ways that felt nourishing instead of punishing. I listened more closely to my intuition and trusted it. I felt more connected. More capable. More me.
I found I had more time, energy, and attention to what really matters to me.
It even helped me see where I could ask for help: support with errands, emails, meal prep, and the never-ending laundry.
The result led to more presence with my son, more bandwidth for my work, and more room to breathe.
Wanting a life that reflects your depth, your values, your desire is not wanting too much. It’s proof that you’re alive. That you want to live fully. And you deserve that.
There may be trade-offs. To be human is to have limits, after all. But that’s exactly why rituals matter.
They keep you rooted in what matters, even when life feels chaotic. They carve out space for clarity in the noise. They remind you of the kind of life you're building, and the kind of person you want to be inside of it.
If you’ve been feeling stretched thin or disconnected from yourself, let this be your reminder: You are not asking for too much. You are asking for a life that feels like yours. A life with depth. Anchored in intention. Shaped not by urgency, but by desire.
Over the next few weeks, I’ll be sharing the exact rituals that have helped me reclaim my time, my energy, and my joy—one small, powerful practice at a time.
We’ll begin with the weekly ritual I use to reflect, refocus, and realign with the woman I’m becoming.
Because living well isn’t about doing more, but doing what matters on purpose.
If you want to start every day feeling grounded, clear, and confident as you fully own your desires, click here to download my free 7-day Mindset Toolkit—a powerful ritual designed to help ambitious women step into their next level self.
Want more in depth support? Explore 1:1 coaching or The JAVA Method Mindset membership.
Sources:
Sarah Blaffer Hrdy, Mothers and Others: The Evolutionary Origins of Mutual Understanding (Harvard University Press, 2009).
Heidi Keller, “Attachment and Culture,” Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 2013. See also Michael Lamb, The Role of the Father in Child Development, 2004.
Polly Young-Eisendrath, Women and Desire: Beyond Wanting to Be Wanted (Harmony Books, 1999).
