Is “Good Girl” Conditioning Hurting Your Leadership Capabilities?

I was writing at a coffee shop one afternoon, sipping on a London Fog latte (I love earl grey tea so much), and couldn’t help but overhear a conversation between a couple of women next to me:

“I’d rather work for a man than a woman. There’s way too much drama with women. Guys will just say it like it is, hash out their issues, and then get back to normal. With women, there’s way more passive aggressiveness, backstabbing, and gossip. You never know where you stand!”

They went on for a few more minutes, swapping cringeworthy stories proving her point. 🥴

While there was certainly internalized misogyny in her over-generalized sentiment, I realized this was not the first time I’ve heard someone say that. Often, women are branded as passive aggressive, and men as assertive. This is one reason why I hate hearing people refer to young girls as “bossy.” You rarely, if ever, hear that word directed at boys. The difference typically comes down to early conditioning.

As someone who coaches many women leaders, I hear firsthand the struggle of wanting to be a great and highly respected leader while also being kind and compassionate. It seems the root of this struggle is typically due to something called “Good Girl” conditioning.

According to a study done at Stanford University, the most desirable traits for females are compassion, warmth, loyalty, cheerfulness, and to be soft-spoken. The most desirable traits for males are decisiveness, assertiveness, independence, and dominance. 

Good Girl conditioning starts young. It results in women being taught to prioritize politeness and to always consider others' feelings and levels of comfort, even if that means ignoring their own. This can make it challenging to set boundaries, and can even cause someone to hyper fixate on how she's being perceived by others, leading to perfectionism, people pleasing, and a reluctance to voice her needs. 

 Take a moment and ask yourself if you can relate to the Good Girl narrative? Maybe at a young age, you were taught, “If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.” Or perhaps the idea of disappointing someone else (even when it's in your - and their - best interest) makes your stomach drop. 

Many people I know are not fans of conflict. However, if you want to be a great leader, you're going to need a strong and positive culture, and healthy conflict is going to be a part of that. 

Here's the deal. As entrepreneurs, we start our own businesses because we’re passionate about our mission and good at what we do. If we want to grow and scale well, we need the support of a solid team. We know by now that a healthy and supportive team culture means more success for a business, so that becomes an important goal.

You likely have some pretty big goals, friend. You're committed to your vision of success and value high quality work. However, if you're operating from Good Girl conditioning, there's a good chance you try to avoid conflict. You put a lot of pressure on yourself to hire amazing people (which is important), thinking this will solve that problem. But even the best hire won't completely remove conflict from your life. 

When you have a hard time voicing your needs, a common mindset is believing that no one can do it like you can, which is why you’re still dong entry-level tasks in your business as the CEO. This is clogging up your business, and before you know it you’re feeling overwhelmed and unsupported. You even catch yourself reminiscing about “the good ole days” when it was just you against the world.

The idea of putting your high standards on your employees or contractors makes you cringe, so you shove it down to avoid hurting anyone's feelings. Which leads you to letting all of that frustration build up to what eventually becomes resentment. Now you're feeling passive aggressive (especially when you review your monthly business expenses), which creates a toxic work environment. And we hate to say it, but this is exactly what was frustrating the women sitting next to me in the coffee shop. 

My clients genuinely care about their team. They want to empower them and honor their boundaries. Simultaneously, they have incredibly big goals and high standards, or what I like to call: A Commitment to Excellence. 

When a client is dealing with Good Girl conditioning, they'll say things like…

• “I’ve noticed a decline in their quality of work, but I also know they’re going through so much personally, I feel like I can’t say anything…”

• “I’m afraid if I ask them to do this, they’re going to think I’m a high maintenance diva.”

• “Their work didn’t meet my standards, but now I’m not sure how to address it because I don’t want to hurt their feelings.”

So how do we create a healthy and empathetic culture, while also maintaining a commitment to excellence? You don't have to lower your standards in order to be a compassionate leader. You do need to learn how to let go of the “Good Girl” conditioning, improve your relationship with conflict, and communicate effectively.

Here are 3 tips that have helped my clients step into their role as a compassionate and respected leader:

1. Learn how to regulate your own emotions.

When an employee or contractor on your team has disappointed you, turned in sub-par work, or missed an important deadline and it triggers a strong emotion in you, pause. When you learn how to process and understand your own emotions, you’re going to be much less reactive and able to find a clear resolution. This goes beyond recognizing that you're feeling “triggered.” You have to go deeper and discover what exactly is being triggered and why. Where do you feel that? Where is it coming from? What's it bringing up for you? If you can't lead yourself well, you're certainly not going to be able to lead others well.

It's a lot to carry all of that responsibility which is one reason why great leaders need ongoing support. I've worked with many of my clients long-term because we've established a safe place where they can come to me and openly share what’s happening within their team. I’m able to hear them, help them process how this is impacting them on a deeper level, hold up a mirror when necessary, and then find a productive way to navigate the conflict so they can move forward towards their ultimate goal. It doesn’t have to be lonely at the top. And having the support of a coach is much more productive than ruminating with friends about what’s going on, which can sometimes lead to unproductive and negative consequences. 

2. Become fluent in Nonviolent Communication.

When I was going through my first certification training as a coach in 2013, NVC was a part of our curriculum and it quickly became one of my favorite tools. I went from dreading conflict and tough conversations to finally having adequate language to use so I could better connect and actually create resolution in a compassionate way. Learning how to communicate is not only essential to being a great coach, it's also essential to being a great leader.

The Center for Nonvoilent Communication says, “NVC assumes that we all share the same, basic human needs, and that all actions are a strategy to meet one or more of these needs. People who practice NVC have found greater authenticity in their communication, increased understanding, deepening connection and conflict resolution.”

If you're looking for a place to start their website has fantastic resources, including this book. 

3. Create a culture that embraces a Growth Mindset.

 If you want your team to embrace a commitment to excellence so you can hit your goals, their ability to give and receive feedback is going to be important. I've seen it work really well when feedback is delivered on a regular basis and includes both the things they're doing well and things that could be improved upon. From the moment you hire someone, make sure you brief them on when feedback will be given and the purpose of that feedback (to support them and help them grow). It can also be helpful to ask them if they have a preference on how their feedback is presented so they know you want to take their needs into consideration. This also means you being open to suggestions and feedback yourself. After all, you're setting the tone for a growth mindset.

 In this case, it helps to have a clear and strong vision for your company as a whole so that all the feedback you're giving is in pursuit of the common goal among the team. This helps get people on the same page and motivates them to show up fully and move forward. 

You have what it takes to be an amazing leader who is both highly respected and compassionate. Take some time this week to reflect on the tips above, and see which one you can lean into in order to grow and reach the goals you have for your business. 

If you enjoyed this, I’d like to invite you to sign up for my Monday Mindset Newsletter. Each week, I'll send you mindset tips, journal prompts, and affirmations to help you show up fully in your business and life. If you have big goals and care about living life fully, this is for you!